00:01 - Nachi (Host)
Parenting is a journey filled with joy, challenges and countless decisions. One of the most significant factors shaping this journey is the parenting style we adopt. In this episode, we will discuss conscious parenting and its unique approach to raising children and our inner child. Welcome to another episode of I'm Not Yellen, I'm Dominican podcast hosted by Nachi and Damaris. 

00:33 - Damaris (Host)
This is your girl, nachi, and I'm here with Damaris, also known by my family as the undefeated monopoly champion. 

00:41 - Nachi (Host)
One of these days you're going to give up that t-shirt. I'm telling you right now. 

00:46 - Damaris (Host)
We'll see, we'll see. I think I'll remain undefeated. 

00:50 - Nachi (Host)
But we'll move right along. I have hope Anyway. So, do the kids. Yes, we're strategizing, we're strategizing. Anyway, we are here. We're going to get into conscious parenting I this is a style that resonates more with me because it allows me to work on myself and regulating my emotions and teaching my children the same and so we're going to get into what that looks like and challenges that we all face when raising our children. So I'm excited about this. 

01:33 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, and some of my. Even though I don't have biological children, I do see my nieces and nephews as an extension of my children, and they are for me, I do. I like to think that I provide some sort of parental guidance in addition to what you do. 

01:53 - Nachi (Host)
It definitely takes a village. It does? 

01:55 - Damaris (Host)
It does, but you know. 

01:57 - Nachi (Host)
We all have to be on the same page. Yes, yes. 

02:00 - Damaris (Host)
Absolutely. And speaking of being on the same page, I you know I thought we should probably start with defining what is conscious parenting, right? Because you hear a lot of things out there and I also think that it gets conflated with other parenting styles, which we'll get into that. But I'll share the definitions that I found that I thought were interesting and we'll see what you think, just so we could, so that we can discuss it from the same starting point. Okay, so healthlinecom defines conscious parenting as a term used by various psychologists and others to describe a style of parenting that usually focuses more on the parent and how mindfulness can drive parenting choices. And then, on betterupcom, they pointed out that conscious parenting is a child-rearing philosophy that encourages parents to make mindful, emotionally intelligent decisions in raising their children, and they also discussed how parents are taught to manage their behavior, thoughts and feelings, first and foremost. So is that something that you? Is that how you define it, nachi? 

03:20 - Nachi (Host)
Yeah, definitely, and actually I like the way Shelly Robinson, who's a conscious parenting coach I found her on IG, as I find a lot of people out there but I like the way she describes conscious parenting because she sees that as a three-prong approach and exactly what you just mentioned. But looking at it from this three prong approach, where one you have the parent, and the parent is learning how to regulate their emotions, being able to help their children be vulnerable and brave and accept themselves but we're the first model for that to help our children learn to see what that looks like. And so we, you know, we have to take that step in being aware, as you mentioned, of ourselves and our actions and the way we regulate our own emotions when we're dealing certain situations. And then the second prong is the child, right, so you have that solid foundation of the parents who are committed to dealing with their own ish, but also equipped to create this new empowering generational pattern for their children to inherit. So, you know, breaking that cycle that we've all been accustomed to. 

05:13
And then that third prong, which is different and I don't think a lot of people discuss that when we're talking about conscious parenting is re-parenting our inner child. So going back to those parts and those narratives and beliefs that doesn't serve us and redefining what that is for us as an adult and as a parent so that we can then model that to our children. So I like the way that she painted that as a three prong approach to what conscious parenting is all about. It falls under that umbrella of just being aware and identifying those differences between how you react to your children, from our ego, from just you know, from that calmer, centered state of who we truly are right, and that is always difficult for me. 

06:22 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I just think that there's you need to give yourself grace and understand, as adults, the same way we're to look at children. We're human beings, right. 

06:38
So, we make mistakes, but it's about do you learn from your mistakes? What do you do to acknowledge that? I did want to point out, because I mentioned earlier, that conscious parenting sometimes gets conflated with gentle parenting, and I probably might have even thought of that in the past before I even really understood what conscious parenting was about, and from what I understood again by looking up what gentle parenting is, verywellfamilycom describes it as gentle parenting is an evidence-based approach to raising happy, confident children. This parenting style is composed of four main elements empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries and focuses on fostering the qualities you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries. It's the approach of using natural consequences rather than punishment or discipline. So an example would be if you hit someone, gets hurt, they might hit you back. These are an enforced, but it's discussed, and I'm not. This is what I found. They were like it's not enforced, but it's discussed and learned, and I thought I was like, yeah, that's kind of like that fuck around, find out, but that's part of like well, we're going to let little Bobby learn and see how it goes, and so it's funny, because that example that I read reminded me of my experience with you in high school and I'll never forget this is like I learned so much because they talk about. I shared a meme with our followers, rather on IG, about how older sisters are like second mothers, right, and so they help guide you, they'll scold you when you need it and they'll come and protect you like a mama bear. And those are hashtag facts. That's just a fact. 

08:48
So in high school I was under 100 pounds. I looked several years younger, looked like I was 12 years old and freshman sophomore year. I was self-conscious for obvious reasons. Growing up in the Bronx like the guys are just not looking at me because I'm like this little skinny, 12 year old, when I'm actually 14, 15. Anyway, I'm getting changed for gym class and where I'm in a locker room with other girls and there's this girl who every time I would get changed, we would get changed together. 

09:27
She looks at me and she's always saying to me oh my God, you are so skinny. And please do not get confused that she was saying this in a complimentary way. She absolutely was not. She was like oh my God, you are so skinny, I can't believe you're this skinny. And I'm just like yeah, I don't know what you want me to do with what you're telling me. It's not a compliment, so I'm not going to say thank you. So I was getting really annoyed and frustrated with that because I already had my own insecurities. I don't need you adding on your extra sauce. 

10:00 - Nachi (Host)
Exactly. 

10:01 - Damaris (Host)
So I'm sharing this with you and you looked at me. You didn't ask me what this girl looked like, nothing. You said tell that bitch, she's so fat. And I was just like, okay, I guess I mean she's not, but all right, mind you, this girl's on the track team, she's fit. Whatever, she's fine. But the next time we're getting changed she says again, she comes with her bullshit. So I paused, looked at her and I said and you're so fat. 

10:40 - Nachi (Host)
I bet that bitch didn't say it again. 

10:43 - Damaris (Host)
She turned back to her locker. She didn't say anything, she changed, and that was the last time she ever said that bullshit to me. So I bring this up because that, thanks to my sister, it was a teachable moment for that young lady and for me. Number one, she experienced the consequences of her words, yeah. And two for me I learned a new way to stand up for myself. It made me become even more observant of people's actions and then learned how to use that to stand up for myself and learn how to use that to my advantage. 

11:24 - Nachi (Host)
Yeah, yeah. 

11:25 - Damaris (Host)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then number three, my. What I also learned and I always knew this, I actually didn't learn it just validated, just solidified, that my sister is of the ilk of I'll do anything necessary for her, so don't let the necessary occur. Okay, so I just need people to know, say that one more time, right. 

11:51
I, she will do anything necessary for her. So don't let the necessary occur. She not, she is a very calm, chill person, but please just don't get her until, just don't make her until, and she is fine. So but that was, that was kind of it was your kind of parenting for me, because that wasn't an issue. I could really go to mommy and pop before because they would be like who cares, mommy? 

12:20
Like of course, you're beautiful whatever, but I needed to stop that. I needed for that girl to stop in her tracks, and for that I am great. I am grateful for it. Thank you, sister. 

12:32 - Nachi (Host)
Well, you're very welcome, and let's just say that style has not changed, because I have a similar story with my old, my my oldest. She was literally, I think, four. She was in preschool and I remember we were driving. I'm driving her to preschool and she's like mommy, this girl keeps hitting me, you know. And and I said she keeps hitting you, did you tell her to stop? And she said yes, I told her to stop, I told the teacher and I was like they haven't done anything. She said no, and I said um, okay. 

13:19
I said, well, the next time you see her and she hits you, you hit her right back and she stood corn. She's like mommy, that's not nice. And so I had to ask her. I said, well, what you do, is what you're doing working for you? And she said yes, and I had to let it go because I didn't want to push her to be violent, you know, because it wasn't, it wasn't her nature. But I was like all right, well, since it's working for you, sure that is All right, keep, keep going. 

13:57
Um, but I will say that she does stand up for herself and advocate for herself, because there's been experience later on in life, most recently as her first year in high school, where she had to deal with the situation and she literally stood up for herself and made sure that she let the powers that be get involved and nip that shit in the bud. I had nothing to do with that, so it's just like a full circle. It's like you know from pre pre school where and the funny thing is her father and I were we were rumble for them because I even called New York City. 

14:47 - Damaris (Host)
Y'all are wild. 

14:50 - Nachi (Host)
I even recall one time we were that we were at some assembly and all the little little kids were up in the front and I didn't see it. But he saw it. He saw some kid push Maddie and he was like she ain't doing nothing, okay. So after the assembly he saw the father. He went straight to the father. He said your child was pushing on my daughter over there. 

15:20 - Damaris (Host)
Right. 

15:21 - Nachi (Host)
And he had to talk to his daughter. He was just like really embarrassed Number one. But I thought that was really good for Madeline to see that. Hey, it's not okay. 

15:33 - Damaris (Host)
Right. 

15:33 - Nachi (Host)
For someone to do that. You got to let them know and don't worry, we always get your back anyway. So right, so you're completely but yes, but just going back to her, you know that style of yes. You would have to deal with your consequences. Now, gentle parenting has never been anything that I could that really resonated with me. Just because I'm just not very gentle, right In my approach period I tried to be. Punishment free is not a thing for me. You will be disciplined and you will write that I will give. I will let you know of your consequences. 

16:21 - Damaris (Host)
Right, and so we don't need to wait for the natural consequences. 

16:24 - Nachi (Host)
No, I don't want to. 

16:27 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, I need you to deal with what you've done, but that's why you focus more on the conscious parenting which I can appreciate and to me makes to me makes a lot more sense is, and it's more natural way of engaging with children, because it is looking at the child through the lens of like they're a human being, right and yeah. And acknowledging that Well, at the same time, acknowledging your boundaries and your limitations and and forcing you to think through why you're approaching them the way you are and then forcing you to recalibrate if necessary. 

17:18 - Nachi (Host)
Right, yeah, yeah, no. To me it's important for them to understand boundaries Right, and I've, and I will sit and have like earlier today, I had to have a talk with my son because he wanted to focus more on playing his game. Now, typically or I'm not going to say typically what I would like to do is start flipping stuff Right and start yelling and screaming. So I sat there for a few minutes because one I had to gather myself right. I had to calm myself down enough to have a conversation with him to let him know what was all on my plate right now. 

18:08 - Damaris (Host)
Right, because that's you were providing the context. 

18:12 - Nachi (Host)
Yes, like I'm not telling you because I don't want you to have fun. I'm telling you. I need you to do this because this is what I'm dealing with at the moment, and you thinking that your game, or your match, is the most important thing in the world to do at this moment, ain't it? 

18:32 - Damaris (Host)
Let my nephew live. 

18:33 - Nachi (Host)
And no, but it makes me. But you know, what's funny is that that is what I would have needed when I was growing up. 

18:43 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah Right, and we did not get. 

18:46 - Nachi (Host)
No, it was do what I say. Don't ask any questions, right, just do it. This don't. And I will admit that I would get frustrated at times when my kids are asking me what? And I'm like just fucking do it. 

19:06 - Damaris (Host)
I don't have time to explain everything to you, which is true, but at the same time, they you know it's only fair to them, like, why, yeah, why, do you know how to write? How do we expect them to be understanding if we don't take the time to talk them through why it is that we're asking them to do what we're asking them to do? 

19:25 - Nachi (Host)
Does it make sense? Yeah, they need to develop that emotional intelligence right and also not from nothing. 

19:33 - Damaris (Host)
Do you want to be raising somebody that's just going to be a sheep, so that it's like oh, anyone of authority tells you to do something, you're like I'm going to do. The government says I will jump. 

19:44 - Nachi (Host)
Yes yes. 

19:46
And that's the struggle. I think that's the struggle that we deal with. It's what we need to set a structure for our children. So we have to have these rules and we got to do certain things my way, and sometimes your way may not be the right way or the best way. So listening to what they have to say matters, Right. You know, I like, I like, I don't know how many times in my life have I gone to you and said can you believe they said this to me? And you would always come and throw it in my face and say what do? 

20:27 - Damaris (Host)
you want. You wanted your kids to express themselves, to have a voice. You were like I'm going to raise my children so that they can tell me how they feel all the time, and I was just like great, let me know how that works out for you. But it actually has been working out well, even though your feelings have gotten hurt sometimes. Yes, but your kids are great because you can be very stern with them and they will literally walk away and say I love you, mom. What your mom just like ripped your new one. Are you like I love you, but that is a testament, though, that's like because they know where it's coming from. You've already, you know, shared with them why I'm telling you to go to bed. Stop playing with me. 

21:13 - Nachi (Host)
Right, okay, I love you Right. But you know, what's funny is that I also allow them to deal with natural consequences, though on on some level. 

21:25 - Damaris (Host)
It's not all the way. You kind of have to, though, sometimes. 

21:28 - Nachi (Host)
You know, for example, they don't like to wear their coats and it's pulled outside and most parents will go crazy Put on a hat, put on no, carry your ass off. The other day it was snowing. Madeline came home and she was like you could tell she was freezing, right, and I'm like you're cold and she's like no, I'm warm. Teeth are chattering Girl, you know you know, you look like a wet puppy and I'm looking at her and I'm like, hmm, a nice coat, weatherproof coat would have been nice, right. 

22:12 - Damaris (Host)
Because you have that in my closet. 

22:14 - Nachi (Host)
Yes, You've been wet. Look at you, Wow, and she, she, she didn't care, but she was cold, cold. But you know what you wanted to deal with that Right, and what she thought the the funny part was she had asked me. She said you think you can come get me? No, I'm busy right now with you know, a thing called work, so no, I can't go to the gym, right? 

22:39 - Damaris (Host)
I can't be your personal chauffeur when you have a school bus that can take you home, right, right. 

22:44 - Nachi (Host)
So I think, just because you decided you didn't want to take a coat or a hat or gloves which she has, all of what she does, but she doesn't. And and Gabriel's the same way, he is the same way, but I, I allowed them to deal with that. Now your mother goes crazy because she's like they going outside, like yes. No, she's like they will be fine. They will be fine, they will. They will get to a point where they will realize, yeah, I'm going to need to wear a coat. 

23:18 - Damaris (Host)
I need a coat. I need a coat. 

23:20 - Nachi (Host)
Eventually. 

23:21 - Damaris (Host)
Just because I'm below the Mason Dixon line does not mean that it is 95 degrees. 

23:27 - Nachi (Host)
Yes, or forcing them to eat things that they Shout List. Listen, you don't want to eat it? All right, no, I don't eat shit. 

23:36 - Damaris (Host)
Your mother would would be dying when I would not eat stuff. 

23:40 - Nachi (Host)
You know, she, yes, she used to get so upset and you had to eat everything. Whether you liked it or not, you had to eat it, and I remember that one time you I did not. 

23:50 - Damaris (Host)
She made corn rice. It's disgusting. 

23:53 - Nachi (Host)
And you did not eat it. Because it was laced with cilantro. 

23:57 - Damaris (Host)
She was trying to poison me. Didn't even realize that. 

24:00 - Nachi (Host)
And I was like just eat it already, you so annoying. 

24:03 - Damaris (Host)
And I was like first of all, I want to be like mind your fucking business, because this isn't even bothering you. 

24:08 - Nachi (Host)
I don't know how this is affecting your life but it's affecting me because your mother is going basket case. 

24:14 - Damaris (Host)
Crazy. Yeah, I didn't care. 

24:17 - Nachi (Host)
And she's like we're all dealing with it, and then she's like I bet it, I see anything later on tonight. 

24:21 - Damaris (Host)
I'm like bet, lady, I won't Okay, which which was killing her even more because already I was underweight. So she's like oh my God my daughter's going to wither away. 

24:31 - Nachi (Host)
I was fine. Yes, yes, and she's still like that with my kids Right, right, and I said did they eat? I said it's okay. Why are you worried about if they eat? The food is there. If they want to eat, they'll eat, if they don't, okay. 

24:46 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, and that comes from right again, the the clash between the traditional way we were raised, which is very much what I say goes kind of, you know, very authoritative, versus this, coming from a place of mindfulness, being conscious, being, uh, having the emotional intelligence to understand what's trigger, triggering you when you do get upset with your kids, like you're smart in that or I won't say smart, you're, you're very thoughtful in that you know right now you're not in a good place, so you pull back, you pause, you breathe, you think through what it is that you have to communicate so that they can understand why it is that this is needed from them. 

25:41
And yeah what do you for me? I? I honestly see this when I think about the benefits of conscious parenting. It's a way of breaking generational curses, right? I think they were like. When I think about you, know, I think about you know, I think about how there were certain things ingrained in us that weren't necessarily for the good it's like now is your opportunity to be like why do I'm not going to continue that? I don't need to continue that. 

26:10 - Nachi (Host)
That is definitely it, and I feel like it develops um a different type of relationship with your children. Am I? I find I mean you mentioned earlier where, even when I blow up, you know they're they're more understanding, they will come to me afterwards or they will even tell me at that moment, like you don't have to say it that way. 

26:42 - Damaris (Host)
I love that they check you. 

26:44 - Nachi (Host)
Yes, and I'm like you're right. Wow, I'm still sucking her teeth. You're right, I guess, but I can't even imagine ever seeing something like that. 

26:59 - Damaris (Host)
Fixing your mouth to say something like that to mommy or puppy. 

27:02 - Nachi (Host)
Never, like you don't have to say. 

27:05 - Damaris (Host)
and puppy was never no, he was good he was harsh with us. 

27:08 - Nachi (Host)
He was, he was a balance. 

27:10 - Damaris (Host)
Yes, he was closer to being a conscious parent than mommy. Mommy was set in tradition and discipline and your father was very much uh, he was about emotional intelligence, about here's. Here's why I'm giving you a little weapon at the age of 10, because I need you to protect yourself, I need you to be aware of your surroundings. I sort of got beat, let me tell you, and I'm so grateful for my father for that, because we were growing up in the Bronx in the eighties and nineties Like this was not a time to play. 

27:41 - Nachi (Host)
Protect yourself, yeah. 

27:43 - Damaris (Host)
And here you spray this in this person's eye. Okay, if someone attacks you, this is what you do and I'm like right. Thank you, yeah. But I don't go around like a Pollyanna, thanks to him. 

27:53 - Nachi (Host)
Absolutely. 

27:54 - Damaris (Host)
I'm aware of my surroundings all the time. 

27:58 - Nachi (Host)
And know the realities of this world. We, we knew how to how to act and move. But, yeah, so I, I appreciate the relationship that I'm able to develop with my children because, again, they can let me know if I'm you know, I'm off, I could have said something differently and I, you know, I'll correct myself. But I also am able to let them know, like listen, right now I'm just not in a good space, I don't want to have this conversation, and I have to shut it down, because I'm able to identify when things are escalating within myself and I'm able to say, okay, you're about to do scream, you're gonna yell or you're gonna say something really nasty and hurtful, and you need to take a step back and breathe. And let them know like, hey, right now I can't talk about this, but I'll talk to you about it later and and they understand that and they'll walk away and I'm like okay, well, guess what? 

29:17
because it's just about to go crazy. 

29:18 - Damaris (Host)
Right, and I think that's a benefit of conscious parenting, because I think you end up raising humans that have more empathy, right, like because they're the first, the first experience they're gonna have with that is with you as their parent, because they have the most interactions with you, with their parents, so now they're able to be empathetic when you need a moment, the same way you are with them when they need a moment, when they need to calm down. 

29:49 - Nachi (Host)
And so, and even when I'm, yeah, and even when I'm wrong about something I'm, I'm also mindful of apologizing to them, and that's growing up. We did not experience. No, I love that you do that. 

30:03 - Damaris (Host)
I love that you do that. 

30:05 - Nachi (Host)
Not at all, and I I make a conscious effort, if I know I was wrong, about something like that way, I guess I gotta say sorry. Let me go apologize to them. You know, and what I also do too I keep reminding them that I'm human, like yeah fuck up, I'm human right, but you know what that's so good? 

30:35 - Damaris (Host)
because a lot of things that I read about when people are healing through their inner child trauma as an adult is viewing their parents through the lens of they are also human. They were going through their human experience. They were not perfect, and so they made mistakes along the way, and they likely made mistakes with you along the way. So the fact that you keep reminding your children that I am human is great, because then they will not put you on this pedestal of being a superhero Not that there's anything wrong with that First? 

31:12
of all, number one no one can ever step in your shoes or take your title of being their mother, so you are already in a unique position that no one can ever be in, so you don't have to pretend to be a superhero, right. 

31:27 - Nachi (Host)
Yeah, and so you shouldn't. 

31:30 - Damaris (Host)
Your child shouldn't think of you as that, but they should think of you as your human being that is looking out for their best interests, that wants nothing but the best. But since you're human, you also make mistakes and I think that's a great reminder that you, that you tell your children about that. This is where I'm at with that. It's funny that you bring up the apology part, because I came across this trauma therapist on IG and she had like these, these things that she wanted parents to stop doing as a trauma therapist and from the most part her list was, I agreed with most of it. You know. She said, like treating them unfairly because the world isn't fair, this doesn't actually prepare them for anything other than lifetime of traumatization. I'm like, yeah, it all depends, you know, I think. 

32:21
I think I agree with that, seeing your children as an extension of you. There's so much more than this. I would absolutely agree with this. But then she said one thing that I just did not agree with, which she said believing they should be grateful because you feed and house them. This is your job. Now, I agree with the part that, as a parent, you sign up to take care of your child, to obviously provide shelter and food and then some, but this idea of that your child, you shouldn't expect your child, or what was the word that she exactly said? She said believing they should be grateful because you feed and house them. I absolutely believe they should be grateful that I feed and house them. 

33:08
It is that very concept of this is why I feel like a lot of children today have a sense of entitlement, because it is just, things are provided and it's like, yes, of course you should have this and no, absolutely not. How about? Every morning, I wake up and I thank the creator for allowing me to wake up and to take this breath, because we take that for granted every second that our body works for us. 

33:40
We take that for granted, so no children should be grateful that they have shelter and food and I know with my parents. They, while they never threw it in our face, they provided us with context of how they grew up, to remind us, like you guys, have it really good, but not make us feel bad about it all it did was make me feel very grateful for it and not entitled. 

34:07 - Nachi (Host)
And I think that people, to me, I feel feeding and providing shelter for your children, that's basic stuff, right, table stakes, and let's just all agree that we give a whole lot more than just feeding and providing shelter for our kids. So, yeah, I'm going to want you to be a little bit appreciative about all those times that I take you to your practices, getting you those expensive ass sneakers, getting you that expensive ass consoles, taking you to your friends, and, yes, I need you to be a little bit grateful for that. Yes, because you don't. Not many other kids even have that right. And I feel like, when people say that, make that comment as, oh, we shouldn't, you know, make our children shouldn't be grateful, we shouldn't expect them to be grateful for the basics of. 

35:15
Okay, that's basic, yes, but are you trying to? We do more than that, the basic right. We do more than just feeding them. It's a lot more to that, and you're right, we for the most basic thing in our own life, which is getting up and breathing. 

35:33 - Damaris (Host)
we give things to God and that's why, right, and that's why I feel like, no, you should be grateful for that meal. Like why are you taking that for granted? Because there are a lot of situations where that may not even be a possibility. 

35:50
And I look, I'm not entitled to a billion dollars or to a Lamborghini, but I walk out of here with expectancy. I expect the best for me. Now, what the best is, that's up to the creator, right, but I expect the best. Do I feel entitled to certain things? Absolutely not, and that comes from the way I was raised. That comes from the way we were raised with our parents. So guess what? No, I was like X-nail. That I don't. I'm not with you on that. 

36:19 - Nachi (Host)
But yeah. 

36:20 - Damaris (Host)
Well, you can go for like it's a lot. 

36:22 - Nachi (Host)
Yeah, it's a lot more to that. And I think that's I mean we're trivializing it when, when they make a comment like that. 

36:29 - Damaris (Host)
And apparently she provided more context, but I just couldn't find where she provided more context on that one and maybe it was just like to what you're kind of saying, where it's just saying these are table stakes. You know, those aren't the things that they should be focused on in terms of gratitude, but but I personally think as table stakes they should be grateful for that, because when I think, about people that I know in certain circumstances, and I know a family that lives in a shelter. 

36:59
you telling me that, oh well, you having food and a place to live is tables. 

37:04 - Nachi (Host)
Excuse me, no, it's not, because sometimes that's a challenge for some parents, exactly. That's a challenge, so you have to be grateful for every little thing that's given to you and just because you know you are a parent. 

37:20
Again, I go back to being human. Yes, I'm going to. If I'm to me the way I see having children and a family, it's, we're a unit. We got to work together, right, I'm not here just to do for you and it's you know, I'm here to help you to get to a certain point in life. But we work in together, right, we work in partnership. 

37:47
And you, right, and I would say that's one thing that we actually had growing up, it's that we were always a unit. Yes, right, we were working towards certain things in partnership. Right, it's like, okay, these are the things you know. Kind of going back to, to Papi Papi was that balance? Like mommy was, the more she was a stricter parent, she was the enforcer of a lot of things, and Papi was like okay, this is how the world is Right, let you know, I want to prepare you, you girls, yeah, and I want to to deal with the realities of of this world, which may not always be so pretty. 

38:35 - Damaris (Host)
Exactly. And that's okay, like he said if it's too good to be true, he said it's probably false. He's never been wrong. Like nothing comes easy in life. Like just because you really want something, really bad does it. You have to do something, and I say you have to work hard at every single thing, but there needs to be intention and energy put towards that. So I want to hear from you what are some of the struggles and emotions that you, as a parent, you feel like you face while on this conscious parenting journey. 

39:15 - Nachi (Host)
This is probably something many parents deal with, but I always struggle that I'm not doing enough. You know that I could do things better, or maybe you know or I did something wrong. I. It's just a whole lot of self doubt that comes into play and then you start thinking about like things of the past, like you might have done, and you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that and maybe that's why they're doing this right now. 

39:54 - Damaris (Host)
Maybe that's why they're driving me crazy. 

39:59 - Nachi (Host)
And it's because being a parent is not easy. It's not easy, and I know there are people out there who like to paint this picture that it's all so joyous and, yes, being a parent is wonderful, but that shit is hard. 

40:22 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, I mean, y'all are walking billboards of contraception. 

40:29 - Nachi (Host)
But it's. It's hard because you're dealing with other human beings. These are human be. Our children are human beings, as much as we like to say that, we're molding them to be who we want them to be, and sometimes that could be maybe another version of us. 

40:46 - Damaris (Host)
Right. 

40:47 - Nachi (Host)
At times we do that where we look at our children and we want them to achieve things that we didn't achieve while we were growing up, or give them opportunities that we didn't have growing up, and when we say that they don't take advantage of certain things or they don't do it exactly how we would do it. The frustration comes in frustration comes in and then you start thinking about oh, what the hell did I do wrong? Did. 

41:16 - Damaris (Host)
I fuck up, and it's not even about you doing wrong. It's just that they're not an extension of you. 

41:22 - Nachi (Host)
They're their own people. No, no, and that's the biggest challenge for me is letting go of that control, because I'm dealing with that old, traditional way of parenting because that's how I was parents and also being conscious enough and aware enough to know that my children are human and they have their own path and they have to make their own decisions about things and, whether I like it or not, I have to let them develop those feelings and create the path that they want and not one that I create because, oh, I didn't have this opportunity. So I'm giving you this opportunity. You need to do X, y and Z, and so that's a huge, huge challenge, right? 

42:24 - Damaris (Host)
Exactly. I've shared those challenges with me and your frustration and guilt of, like you, thinking that it's your fault that certain things aren't working out the same way or the way that you would like. I know. I've had those conversations with you and with other friends that have had similar situations, where I tell you that sometimes you need to let them fail. And I know that that is a very hard thing for you, but what you? 

42:56
need to do as a mother, no one and no parent I won't even say that's only for a mother, but no parent, mother or father wants to see their child fail. But it is in those failings that we learn. And if we have to learn through our failures, then that means your kids sometimes have to learn through their failures and there are times that it takes a lesson of experience for them to truly understand versus taking your word for it. And that's not for everything, obviously, but for certain lessons, life lessons. It's like I told you, and I love my niece and nephew. I love them like my own children. 

43:38
I promise you that, but I was just like you need to let them fall on their face. 

43:44 - Nachi (Host)
Because this is exhausting. 

43:46 - Damaris (Host)
You've tried everything. And if nothing's changing, then you need to let that go and let whatever's supposed to happen happen, because clearly that there's something there that they need to learn and I think about when it comes to you and my other friends feeling guilty too. You cannot feel guilty. Number one again you're human, but at the same time, you're your own person and you have your own journey to go through too. 

44:15
Right, yeah, I mean even as things like I know some of my friends feel guilty for going away, going with their partner, without the kids, with their spouse or something, or going on a girls trip because they get a lot. Oh, I got not even where you going. Why can't I go with you? Because you can't? I'm my own person. I was a person before. I had you. 

44:37 - Nachi (Host)
Yeah, mommy and Papa had no problem traveling. Let me tell you about us. 

44:43 - Damaris (Host)
I laughed at when I think back when your parents were going to Al Capulco and Brazil and Haiti vacationing, and I remember asking them like oh, so we're going to? And they were like oh no, mommy, you have school. They will intentionally plan these trips during the school year, Not when we had off, and we would stay with an aunt or a cousin. They would take care of us, take us to school and guess what? My parents worked on their relationship and had fun as grown as adults, without these kids that are, you know, fucking holding them down. I mean, sometimes a kid can be an albatross. No, let me stop. I'm just like you need a break. 

45:33
You need to cut the ball and chain sometimes and guess what? I never I was probably annoyed for an hour forgot about it and I never begrudge my parents for them living their best lives. So I also think parents lose out on focusing on themselves and and which means that you're how can you really be fully present if you don't prioritize yourself, which you know for, especially for us who have grown up with Caribbean parents, it is like what do you mean? Your children are in first. No, no, no. You, you actually need to be prioritized number one, because if you're no good, how can you be good to your own child? 

46:15 - Nachi (Host)
how can you be? 

46:16 - Damaris (Host)
fully conscious and present with your children, if you're mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted because you've given everything to everyone else except for you. Yeah, yeah and then you're like why am I lashing out at my kids? Why am I being triggered? Because you're not even taking care of yourself? 

46:33 - Nachi (Host)
so you're not taking your time, yeah and so what? 

46:36 - Damaris (Host)
I have friends that like feel guilty about, like, oh, I'm not spending New Year's Eve with my kid. First of all, we already know New Year's Eve is a fake holiday because the real New Year's Eve is spring, the spring equinox. So look who cares. Your kid is going to be in bed before midnight. Like stop, go out, have fun enjoy your life or do something during the day that celebrates the you know which they usually do, but that, but no, but it's just the guilt yes so I think, that goes into having self-compassion and giving yourself grace as a parent. 

47:11
I think those are key in terms of conscious parenting, because it is about your emotional intelligence, so that you're better equipped with being mindful with how you interact with your children it takes practice. 

47:29 - Nachi (Host)
Yes, you have to consistently practice self-reflection and exploring those triggers that come up, or patterns that you see and sit in with that yep and figuring out okay, why is this happening? You know why am I mad? Is it because you know why am I being triggered at this point? And, and sometimes it's not always because of some inner child's shit. 

47:59
No, sometimes maybe you just maybe you hangry or or you're tired, right, or you're tired because I that I've recognized that of myself at times when, when I'm extremely tired, I already know you're short, you're fused short yes, I don't have the patience and I would tell my kids come to me about some crazy shit. 

48:22 - Damaris (Host)
I do not have the patience, so you can back away or you would deal with the consequences of what I have to say. 

48:29 - Nachi (Host)
Right, and it's not because I'm gonna be right, because I don't have the mental capacity to soften my language for you in a way where you're going to receive it. My goodness, um, you know. But I know that about myself, right? I know when I'm really tired I don't want to have heavy conversations, I don't want to have to talk to you about anything. If I say to do something, just fucking do it right because right now I'm tired, right, I'm tired. 

49:04
So it's just about really sitting back and figuring out, like, what are those triggers and what's causing them. Is it, you know, trauma from childhood that's creeping up, or is it just you know you're tired, or you're hungry, or you just haven't had enough sleep, or you just have a lot of, or you're just really anxious at that moment because you've got a lot of shit going on it's said it's having realistic expectations right and letting go of that perfectionism. 

49:34 - Damaris (Host)
But yes, but it's just sitting down and it's just like. Just like you said, it's just like okay, think they're like are you like this for x, y, z reason? And that is that is just being realistic and setting boundaries for yourself, for your children yes, that's important, you know quickly. What are some strategies for embracing this kind of flexibility and this kind of parenting and and this learning process? 

50:03 - Nachi (Host)
I think one is you need to be able to adjust your expectations um, we've mentioned this throughout our conversation where we may have certain expectations of our children or expectations of ourselves, or where we see, oh, parents should be a certain kind of way. We need to look at that and adjust that right, like, what are some of those expectations that you need to, that you set for your own child or your children that you need to reevaluate. I've also said, you know, self reflection right, you want to take a step back a lot of the time and I'm a big, you know, I'm very big on journaling and I was gonna say write it out or talk it out. 

51:02 - Damaris (Host)
Yeah, I'm gonna talk it to myself. But yeah, but writing it out, yeah, no, I'm right yes, writing for me is important. 

51:11 - Nachi (Host)
Whenever I'm I'm I'm just feeling extremely anxious about whatever situation I'm dealing with when it comes to my children, I have to write it out because, for me, writing out helps me see things clear, like once I just dump everything. Then I can sit back and reflect on what has triggered me. Why is this happening? How can I approach my child if it's something that I don't, that I find either inappropriate or unacceptable and have that conversation with them? And sometimes it's not immediate. I've there's been situations where, you know, one of my kids would do something and I cannot deal with that situation at that very moment because it's not going to be good, right. 

52:08 - Damaris (Host)
So I have to kind of take a moment and sit back and kind of but that's the that's the that's when you do the breathing techniques right, release those toxins and calm yourself down before you react from a place that's just like emotional versus like you know, a place where you're being thoughtful about what it is. What's really the issue at hand? 

52:34 - Nachi (Host)
yeah, yeah, and, and, and. It helps you to set those boundaries, because you do need to set boundaries with your children and they need to learn to respect them, but they also need to understand them, right? You know, it's not a do as I say, or or just punish them, just to punish them let's talk to your kid as a human being exactly provide context the same way you want it right. 

53:04
It's just like take yourself back when you were a kid and your your parents used to yell at you or you're like what I do right or hit you or make you do something you really like it, but you really couldn't say anything about it, just be able to talk to your children, um, in a way that, hey, you need, we need to understand each other. I need to understand why you did what you did, and then sometimes it's just a matter of, okay, well, maybe I just need to help that, you know, help my child with how to deal with this situation or how to um help them, um, you know, navigate um this issue that they're having. So it's just, it's just being very, it's being reflective of what's going on, and just accept, sometimes, this acceptance sometimes I think that's a great one to to end with is acceptance, that's perfect. 

54:06
You just need to. Sometimes it's just not that serious. You don't like the what your child is doing, like you don't. You don't like the way they're dressing, or you don't like how much energy do you want to put towards that? 

54:17 - Damaris (Host)
right, it's just like okay you don't want to work that battle no, okay, go ahead go rock out with your life right, go a little crazy if you want. 

54:28 - Nachi (Host)
You know like it's it's, you just accept it, because they are human beings, they're doing what they feel called to do and if it's not causing anything that's gonna, you know, create some serious injury or or um, or anything else like that. It's not that serious. It's not that serious. Just accept what is as is and move on. I love that because there are much better things to worry about, more important things to worry about now. 

55:10 - Damaris (Host)
I think that's a that's a great ending point for this, for this conversation is about acceptance and you know, and I'll just add, and always just have grace for yourself. 

55:24
You're not perfect no one is and we're all human beings going through our own personal journeys, and for some of you, your journey is being apparent and there's something for you to learn from that as well so thank you, guys, for listening, for listening to this episode, and we understand that, as always, there's a lot of noise out there, but our message is consistent stop getting distracted by the smoke and mirrors, tune out the noise and focus on your purpose in life. We're meant to be joyful, so focus on that and vibrate higher. So, that said, don't forget to subscribe to our channel and follow us on instagram tick tock and twitter at I'm not yelling underscore. Thank you so much for listening and we look forward to talking next time.